Today is my Mommy Day. One year ago today I found out that the baby I am now holding in my arms was coming into the world. It was almost midnight and the anxiousness started immediately. We had just gone through this a few months ago and now it was happening again. Now I knew the worst that could happen.
Unlike the last time I didn’t do a sweet reveal. I went into the bedroom and shook my fiancé until he woke up. On his end happiness began to grow. I slept for 80 minutes that entire night. I called my Mom at least 10 times before she finally woke up around 7. Again for some one else happiness began to grow.
Was I the only one scared that history would repeat itself? Was I the only one worried that in a few hours I would be shopping for a wedding dress, when now I didn’t even know if a wedding could afford to happen. Zack said we would figure it out, my Mom said we would figure it out. I tried to rid myself of the lingering negativity that things weren’t going to work.
Three hours later even though I was out with friends I was not into dress shopping. Earlier in the week I had cancelled an appointment at David’s Bridal to go to a private boutique in downtown Orlando. Everyone had a favorite dress but me. I had an option I really “liked” but I didn’t feel like how I thought I would wearing “my” wedding dress. Luckily my mom has a rule about buying big purchases same day so we left empty handed. We parted ways with one of my friends and headed to lunch and Sea World with another. On a whim we decided to make time for David’s Bridal; that is where we found THE DRESS.
Strangers in the store stopped when I walked out, my glam squad cried happy tears. I cried because it was hard to live in a fantasy when reality was staring at you in the face. It was the perfect dress and had it been the day before I would have been totally in the moment… instead I was running on less than an hour and a half of sleep (my Fitbit had tracked it) and trying to accept the fact that my dream wedding was most likely not going to happen.
The next day was a Monday and I called my doctor as soon as they opened. A message was sent to the nurse explaining the situation and I waited what felt like an eternity for a call back. Finally at 2 they called saying they didn’t have any appointments for the day but I could be seen on Thursday. I agreed but I couldn’t wait. On a whim I googled free ultrasounds. There was a place only 5 miles away. If I could get there by 2:45 they could see me. I jumped up and started getting dressed asking Zack to come with me.
We pulled up to the church funded medical center at 2:40 and filled out all the necessary forms. We met with a counselor and spoke about our relationship with God. We went into a room with an ultrasound machine. The workers there were so positive. They had given us a new parent packet when the test they ran showed I was indeed pregnant. They gave me a little yellow knitted hat for the baby that based on my last missed period dates should’ve been 9 weeks old.
They started the ultrasound with Zack beside me holding my hand. The gel was cool and the screen was empty. I didn’t cry. Zack squeezed my hand. We had sort of expected this but they hadn’t. They were quick to say the dates could be off and that we were looking at more of a 4/5 week embryo since I had always been irregular. I didn’t listen. We went home and put the yellow hat on my cat Poe. I put the new parent packet in the back of the closet, behind gift bags.
I called my doctor the next morning and explained everything once again. Since the same thing had happened recently they still wanted to see me but this time in a week. They (admittedly less optimistically) agreed the dates could be off.
A week went by and I lived as if I was pregnant just in case. I told my best friend what was going on since she had a child herself, she told me to take a test if I felt nervous. After 5 weeks of having blood drawn over the summer to see if my HCG levels were going down I knew a test couldn’t tell you if you were still having a viable pregnancy, just that your body thought you were pregnant. It got closer and closer to the appointment time. I felt myself getting my hopes up, I knew Zack was too but we tried to remain neutral.
The gel was cold, the embryo was small, and just barely noticeable there was a flicker on the screen… a flicker that was beating at 123 beats per minute.