Oh, The Changes We Will Have

Let me start off by saying we are so lucky to live in a city full of amazing opportunities for entertainment. Theme parks, concert venues, bars, clubs; you name it and Orlando has it. I was a regular downtown until I met my fiance and slowly began to become a sweatpants couple. (Not in a bad way.) Suddenly the most appealing thing to me on a Saturday wasn’t getting dressed up. It wasn’t preparing for a night of tequila followed by random probably health code violating, “New York style” corner pizza or Steak N Shake depending on how hungry I found myself at 2am. In what seemed like an instant my idea of a good time changed and all I wanted to do was sit at home and watch Netflix. Occasionally the need to leave the house would arise and Zack would take me to bars with ambiance, chairs, and the ability to hold a conversation. Dates revolving around good cuisine began to trump nights revolving around cheap shots.

I am 9 months pregnant. Even though we have still been having “outside” date nights, it’s clear that the priority has shifted. Wine and scotch no longer accompanied our meal. Instead of speaking about the latest trip we were planning on taking we spoke about diapers, car seats, and how much we couldn’t wait to be at home as a family with our baby. I love that. I love how blessed we are to be at this time in our lives. Please never think I don’t appreciate our little miracle. That being said. There are days where I still miss the other life. Not even just the second one but the reckless first one as well.

Never again am I going to be home from tour buying everyone drinks because I had money in the bank and I was a badass world traveler. Never again will Zack and I shoot pool and not be thinking about the baby in the back of my(our) mind(s). I won’t even be able to just run into Target without it being a production. Instead of splurging on makeup and cute clothes, I find myself dropping cash on baby outfits that my child will most likely wear once and then outgrow…

Continuing with the pessimism: I’ll never again go on a cruise where I feel 90% comfortable about my body in a bikini again. My little one hasn’t come yet but he’s already left tiny tiger stripes and battle scars on my body. Who knows what my stomach will look like when I’m done? My abs could separate; the last bit of baby fat could never leave; pumping and breastfeeding could leave my boobs lopsided or sagging. We actually have our honeymoon cruised planned for May 2019. Sometimes in the middle of daydreaming about all of the adventures we’re going to have I have to remember my new reality. I’m not going to be 23 fresh off of a summer of hardcore working out, strutting around in a tiny two-piece. I’m going to be 27, drinking sangria and avoiding mirrors while in a bathing suit so I can live in the delusion that I do still have my old body. I’m not going be buying ship wifi to update Facebook and post on Insta. I’ll be Facetiming with Nana and my baby; praying he doesn’t take his first steps while we’re gone.

You graduate and everyone talks about the places you’ll go but they don’t really mean around the world. They mean in life. Maybe I was the only one that wasn’t getting that. I thought that book was about getting out of your same old town and expanding your horizons based off of where you were on a map. They meant the places you’ll go in life. Places you never thought you’d be. Places like finding the cheapest deal on tires to save money for moving. Places like scrolling through Trulia every day because you can’t wait to pick out a place for your FAMILY; your very own FAMILY. Weren’t you just fresh out of high school thinking of the amazing salary you’d have at 22 and all the things you were going to accomplish? Now you’re almost 27, freshly graduated and imagining winning the lottery. How unrealistic is a teenage dream?

I’ve learned a lot about myself during my pregnancy journey. I’ve also said goodbye to myself. I am a new me because I have to be and I need to be. My life is no longer my own. Maybe I’ll never stop missing my alternate future. The one where I had no roots and lived life to the fullest. Doesn’t mean I don’t love the life I’m in. It’s just changed. I can want to feel like a martyr for making it through but these are changes we’re all bound to have. I hope I keep experiencing life changes. I can’t wait to see where I ultimately end up. I’m excited to learn to balance the past, present, and future. To have nights out one weekend and family game nights the next. To buy baby clothes but also go ahead and get that cute maxi dress I’ve been wanting. This is my goodbye to the way things were and a hello to my new life.

I think I’m ready.

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