Hello New Friend (An open letter to my son)

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Hello Little One,

64 days until we get to meet you. 9.5 weeks until my whole world is in my arms. I hope you know how much I love you already.

I know I’m already a “bad mom” I don’t talk to you nearly as much as I should; well not out loud at least. I don’t think I drink enough water, I have fries at least once a week… You’re always on my mind though. You changed my world from the moment I saw your heartbeat. A little lentil at 6 weeks. A tadpole with a flickering heart. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Daddy so excited. I was so happy but also so scared. I’m sorry you felt that.

You had a brother or sister that should be about two months old right now. I knew them for a week but I never knew them. They never got to have a heartbeat but I had dreams for them. I talked to them all the time. I was so in love.

I’m sorry the first part of your life was full of anxiety and sadness. I’m sorry I couldn’t connect the way I wanted to right away. The dreams I had for your sibling that came so easily didn’t come for you. I felt like you could leave me at any moment. I spent my days preparing for that instead of preparing for your life for much too long. I hope you forgive me, I hope my happiness now is enough to help you keep growing big and strong. It was never anything you did. I was just so afraid you would leave and I need you.

My baby boy, I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. I can’t believe how much I love you and we’ve never even met. I can’t believe how much I want to burn the world down just to rebuild it into an ideal place for you. I want you to have everything because that’s what you deserve.

Mommy is going to try to protect you but because mommy is who she is even having daddy’s white privilege will only help you so much. Even though you’re a mix of two beautiful cultures, the world will only see a black man. Your life is going to be harder than it should because of how you might look.

I’m scared of the day someone pulls you over for speeding or just driving while black. I’m scared of you walking alone at night with a hoodie on because you’re cold. I’m scared of you waiting for a friend in a restaurant and being harassed. I’m scared of you misbehaving in school and teachers writing you off. I’m scared for you… I’m also scared for me. I don’t want to be that “angry black woman” but I will not let stereotypes color the opportunities that are offered to you. I will always fight for you no matter how it makes me look.

Mommy is going to do whatever she can to protect you. I’m going to be the change I want to see in the world for you. Love has no color in our house. I want you to help me teach the world that. I want you to think you can do anything you want because you can!

Oh, my little one no matter what you do with life it will be something big. Whether you go to college or paint art on the street. I will love you for it. I will love you always.

I’ve been waiting for you.💜

Love,

Mommy


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